Jesus Paperclips

I used to love using Ebay to buy myself bargain tat. Unfortunately I'm very competetive, which means Ebay becomes an expensive habit for me. They call it 'winning' an auction don't they? Well, I don't like to be called a 'loser,' so whenever I got outbid by 10p on a deco vase, I'd go all out to claim the 'winning bid' tag as mine. If I saw another Ebay name beside an item in a frenzy of greed and hostility I'd outbid the current buyer, deciding 'I don't care how much it costs me - I want revenge!'

Did you know that if you write £1,000,000 as your maximum bid you can win any auction? I should write a book, 'Winning at all costs - the Secrets of Ebay revealed.'

I'm very proud of my Ebay #76 100% rating. I little care that I can barely remember which 76 bits of tat I purchased, I'm satisfied to know that these purchases earned me 76 'positive feedback' comments.

On a low day I can sign in to Ebay and read my reviews, and it does wonders for my self esteem. 'Very good buyer with excellent communications & payment!' - jessica2605. 'A superb Ebayer and friendly customer. Recommended! A++++++' - collectorman9. And I particularly like, maypolechamp's remark, 'Very easy to sell to.'

I can no longer afford the pleasure of outbidding fellow Ebayers to increase my Ebay scores, but I've discovered a cheaper way to continue my Ebay addiction. You can sell stuff on there too you know!

When my Ex sold his house he wanted rid of a tatty Victorian sofa (bought on Ebay, of course) he was going to give this to house clearance people which seemed wrong, but I didn't have room for it, so I thought, 'I'll get it reupholstered' as a stalling move, to get it out of the way until I decided which of of the four sofas I owned I'd keep. I couldn't really afford the upholsterer's £500 fee at the time, but I figured I might be richer by the time it was finished.

I wasn't at all concerned when five months later the upholstery guy still hadn't got in touch about the Victorian sofa. Did he know I couldn't afford it? It felt like the nice chap was doing me a favour, storing the sofa until I had a lottery win. Eventually I decided I should ring him. When I did he told me he hadn't started work on the sofa. Which was just fine by me - plus it was a rollover week... Unfortunately he took the phone call as a sign that I wanted action. Three days later I had a smart Victorian Chesterfield blocking my back door, and a bill for £500.

I now have four sofas in my house, so I decided to sell this smart Victorian one. I stuck it on Ebay, hoping to get the £500 back. The day it was listed 4 people wrote to me asking if I could add a 'Buy it now' button so they could get it quicker. One guy offered me £800! My sofa's now been added to 14 'watch lists'! Decisions, decisions... Should I take £800 or let the auction run and gamble on more? It's very exciting!

So I've been looking around the house for other stuff to sell on Ebay. I have a Simpson's cell picture, I think that could be quite 'collectible.' From my days spent searching market stall singles for new indie bands I have a Coldplay Promo from 1999, their 'limited edition first release on Parlophone'. I like that the promoter's label talks about the band 'finishing their exams.'

I was telling Steve about these potential Ebay treasures. He spends lots of time Ebaying 1940s fountain pens and typewriters. He decided he should sell stuff on Ebay too, and wrote a funny email about this, 'I’m looking around my room trying to work out what there is to sell on eBay. So far I’ve come up with the following old stuff…

A box of multi-coloured paper clips (hardly used)
A pair of blue converse boots (still being used)
A packet of 1999 aspirin (all used)
A small bottle of vintage cough syrup (half used)'

We decided he ought to sell the paperclips. He suspected they might be antique, but we decided they were more likely 'retro'. On Ebay 'retro' is better than 'antique'.

Steve decided he should list these paperclips as 'collectible retro paperclips', selling each one individually to maximise his profits. Eg. 'Limited edition paperclip 4 of 123, from a limited total run of 100 million.'

I still don't feel I have enough to list. I know that Jesus toast always sells on Ebay, so when I found the face of the Christ Child in something I owned I was happy to Praise The Lord that I could make a shitload flogging it on Ebay!

I thought carefully about the listing. I decided to show my 'Christ Child face' next to an old master painting of Christ, I thought this would better show the uncanny resemblance in my item to the 'liddle baby Jesus'. It felt like easy money becase I had lots of these 'just like the Holy One' goodies available to list. At Snappy Snaps I could get Amy's baby photos printed at only 8p each...