Two balloons tied together
I don't really understand it, but when I'm unhappy I tell Steve that he should leave me. Of course I don't want him to, I love him, and it's always, 'You should leave' and not,'I'm leaving.'
I have many theories about why I do this, but stil none of them feel right. You may think it's attention seeking, or wanting reassurance, but I don't think it's that, when I say it I mean it. It's almost like I want to hurt myself more, to hurt myself so much I won't feel any of it.
So Steve bats it away, he says the right thing, he won't go however hard I try to make him. He knows it's just my 'weird head' talking and that I love him and would hate him to go. Today Amy pointed out two balloons in the sky, tied together, floating high together, out of control, but never to be parted. Steve had just sent another reassuring email. I was already sure that we weren't going to split up, the balloons felt like magic proof.
Amy said, 'You can make a sticker about them.'
I probably will.
I told Steve in an email, 'I'm going to keep writing this crap until it wears you down, until you see the truth, get my point and it'll be over like it should be.'
He wrote back, answering all the points I made, patient and reassuring and loving. And he mentioned a 'crappy film' he'd seen. And said, 'I hate quoting films because they’re made up, but someone wrote it and they were probably thinking it themselves at some point so it must be real. If two people love each other but things keep getting in the way – at what point should they call it quits? And the answer is never.'
And I thought of his not-quite-real film quote, when I looked at those balloons in the sky. And I though that those balloons would always be together, however high and far the wind blew them. And Steve said, 'I’ll decide who I want to be with. I already have. Get that into your head and put a stone on it so it doesn’t keep blowing away. Write whatever crap you like. It won’t change a thing with me.'
Maybe one day we'll be two balloons, tied together, and weighted down with a stone so that we're still, so that we're safe. He makes me believe that might be possible. I want that so much.
I have many theories about why I do this, but stil none of them feel right. You may think it's attention seeking, or wanting reassurance, but I don't think it's that, when I say it I mean it. It's almost like I want to hurt myself more, to hurt myself so much I won't feel any of it.
So Steve bats it away, he says the right thing, he won't go however hard I try to make him. He knows it's just my 'weird head' talking and that I love him and would hate him to go. Today Amy pointed out two balloons in the sky, tied together, floating high together, out of control, but never to be parted. Steve had just sent another reassuring email. I was already sure that we weren't going to split up, the balloons felt like magic proof.
Amy said, 'You can make a sticker about them.'
I probably will.
I told Steve in an email, 'I'm going to keep writing this crap until it wears you down, until you see the truth, get my point and it'll be over like it should be.'
He wrote back, answering all the points I made, patient and reassuring and loving. And he mentioned a 'crappy film' he'd seen. And said, 'I hate quoting films because they’re made up, but someone wrote it and they were probably thinking it themselves at some point so it must be real. If two people love each other but things keep getting in the way – at what point should they call it quits? And the answer is never.'
And I thought of his not-quite-real film quote, when I looked at those balloons in the sky. And I though that those balloons would always be together, however high and far the wind blew them. And Steve said, 'I’ll decide who I want to be with. I already have. Get that into your head and put a stone on it so it doesn’t keep blowing away. Write whatever crap you like. It won’t change a thing with me.'
Maybe one day we'll be two balloons, tied together, and weighted down with a stone so that we're still, so that we're safe. He makes me believe that might be possible. I want that so much.
posted by Jo at 2:06 PM
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