Question Mark, stuck or not stuck?

Do you think some people think more than others? Question things more? Or even question things too much? I don't know.

Sometimes I think I write to try to make sense of things, to put things in order, to understand.

I have so many unfinished blog posts lately. Half hearted. Half finished. They feel failed.

This is the one I need to write now. My explanation of the 'question question'... I wonder if I'll actually get to the end?

What if something big that happens? Something that makes you mind buzz with so many questions?

What if you wonder... Is it a big thing, or a little thing? Is it my fault, or not my fault? Should I be worried, or not worried? Am I reacting right, or am I reacting wrong? Should I be sad, or not sad? Do I talk about it, or do I never talk about it? Is this normal, or is this not normal? Should it hurt, or should it not hurt? Am I coping, or am I not coping? Should I think of this, or should I not think of this? Do I need help, or do I not need help? Is it me, or is it not me? Is this something, is it nothing?

The worst you can think about it is, 'It's me!' The best you can think is, 'It's nothing...'

Somewhere in the failed logic of computing both these thoughts at once, there's a gap. It's bad and it's good, it's yes and it's no. It's impossible.

If you think 'It's all me!' and also, 'It's nothing' - that can't work. Sense can't survive. Your head fizzes, and it gives up. The question can no longer be computed, that bit of your head shuts down, it fails. But the question doesn't go away. It can't, because it isn't answered.

'It's nothing' is the easiest program to run, it practically runs itself. While 'It's me!' is so strong it won't ever end, it's powered by your soul.

So 'It's nothing' and 'It's me' run in tandem, neither works because each one prevents the other functioning. A little bit of your head is misfiring, but the rest tries to get by. Well, that broken bit isn't really needed. That question is still unanswered, but there are many more we can compute.

So life goes on. But that broken bit of head is sparking still. Sometimes you test it to see if it works yet. A reminder of that question, or else a look, or an act, anything that reminds you there might be sparks there. Sparks that might turn to flames.

And so the head fizz computer malfunction can spread... A question? Any question..? This is a question..? This is about questions isn't it? Now any question calls upon this bit of odd head. Any pressure can remind you that there's a pressure within that computes and provides confusion as an answer. And the flames take over. These flames are fuelled by too many unanswered questions, by uncertainty, by the unknown. By... argh.

'Argh' is a word I've written in many emails to Steve recently. It's a word that seems to sum up the bit of my head that doesn't work right. I don't even know how to spell it. 'Aargh' or arrggh? Another question to plague me. I don't even know how to spell the feeling I feel, let alone know what those letters might stand for...

And Dolly brings a mouse into the house. And I scream. That's normal, isn't it? And I see my pretty cat move from out of the corner of my eye. 'A mouse!' I think again, and I scream again. And as I know I over react, I know I can't help it. This is just me now, 'Is it a mouse?' I don't answer the question logically anymore, I don't think anymore, it's just that my question-answering-spark ready all the time, it's instantly ready with it's fucked up program of, 'It's me!', 'It's nothing...', and all the rest of that lunacy and fear. And so the program that isn't working takes over.

The, 'It's not working' part is strong. Sometimes it seems your head attempts to close for maintenance, with 'out of order' daydreams, or else to fix itself with 'this is the plan for today' super-busy-ness, or perhaps sometimes to explain itself with, 'Out for lunch, back soon' reassurances.

And when you think enough to question how and why your mind is behaving like this, you realise there's a problem, and so you decide you should get help. Help which will provide easy answers to all your questions. Answers which will put out the flames, and even convince you those sparks are necessary, like the sparks of any internal combustion engine. So you say 'Ok. Oh, that was it'. You see the answer. You decide - ok, I see that now.

You decide, that's the answer. Right. And then...

So what does that mean?