:0) Love, Steve :-) Love, Jo
The world does you no favours if you're a short, ginger male, of a thoughtful disposition. There isn't a cure for the curse of being someone who'll stand out in a crowd when you'd rather disappear, or being deemed 'sensitive' by a world that decides this is another word for weakness.
I love my poor dear boyfriend for a long list of reasons, and I wrote these down in the first ever post I ever wrote for this blog*1. I didn't hit 'publish.' Not sure why - I don't usually hold back. I think I decided the list was unfinished. If I'd thought to update the list it would be five times as long now.
I know Steve would shy away from the 'sensitive' label, and that he'd rather be six foot tall than just five foot something. I expect he'd want pink skin not freckly white, and of course he'd choose mouse brown not orange hair, who wouldn't? But I love everything he is, and everything that's made him this way. And orange is my favourite colour.
As for 'sensitive' meaning 'weak'?' Well, I don't think there's a braver way to be than being the sort of person who notices things, and considers the way other people think and feel, and uses this to take on the world, in a single handed battle against all things taken to heart.
When you have to deal with abuse for your bright hair, or the worry that every girl you like tells you you're 'nice' but 'no thank you', you're supposed to get a thick skin. But if this doesn't work, and your skin stays thin, thin enough that it nearly bleeds? What then? Maybe it means your special, maybe it means your skin is so thin your heart's on open view. Girls aren't supposed to want nice guys? Well I do. I'm lucky I've found the nicest.
So surely everything should be in place for my happily ever after? That's how it feels when I look at it all logically. I have the perfect boyfriend, a wonderful daughter, a job for a company who never cease to impress me, and who seem to like me almost as much as I like them. But yeah, there's a 'but...' Of course there is. But... But for once I want to forget that unhappy 'but' I just want to 'think chipper thoughts' as Steve would say.
We had a silly messenger conversation last night, Steve's in Barcelona now until Sunday. He sent me some funny photos of his hotel room*2, with stripy zebra bedding. And I told him about a long 'shortlist' I'd made, of music*3 I decided to share with him.*4 And from talking about this 'shortlist' we soon 'laugh out louded' ourselves into making shortbread together soon.
This morning I started my day with Steve's traditional 'late night long email' about Barcelona thunder*5 and a spaghetti meal for a fiver in a spanish cafe with formica tables*6.
And I love him. More than anyone could know. And I love that he would say, "I know you’re sad but I just love you."
He's back on Sunday and I feel the same way that he describes, stuff about hearts stretched from London to Spain.... And I agree with his remark, "for me it’s the basic ‘missing you’ stuff. I never get used to it. It’s got a point where it feels unnatural to be away from you now, like it’s not fair."*7
He always signs ':o) Love, Steve'. And I always sign ':-) Love, Jo'. The important thing is the smile. We can do that, through partings, through any sad stuff, I know the thought of him will always be my best hope of a smile, and perhaps one day a happily ever after.
Yes.
Love,
:-)
*1 A blog that was nearly called 'Not sure about fairy tales'
*2 On one photo there was a picture of his laptop, so I got a preview of his half written blog post.
*3 Steve's colleague Ed told him about http://allofmp3.com. An amazing Russian site where if you turn a blind eye to the ethics and legality of it all, you can download any song you can think of for just $0.10. And as Ed told Steve, 'It's KGB approved!'
*4 We've avoided sharing our music until now, even though we've been together 5 months. Now we're dealing with the music issue, so the last 'too shy to share' secret will now be Steve's salary. As it's the only thing he keeps from me, I know it must be really bad! :-P
*5 "The rain was that really heavy stuff - the type that drenches you in seconds. And the ligthning was good too. The whole sky went white."
*6 "Not sure about the spainish pop music... It was one of those places with formica tables, wooden chairs, fruit machines and old men with stubble smoking Pall Mall cigarettes down to their fingers."
*7 Yes, it probably is wrong using his emails in blog posts, he doesn't read this, but if he did I'd tell him that I used his words because I want to remember them forever. This them public, but it also feels like it makes them permanent. I think maybe this blog will be my fairy tale book, and one day I'll write of my happily ever after. And then, 'The End.'
I love my poor dear boyfriend for a long list of reasons, and I wrote these down in the first ever post I ever wrote for this blog*1. I didn't hit 'publish.' Not sure why - I don't usually hold back. I think I decided the list was unfinished. If I'd thought to update the list it would be five times as long now.
I know Steve would shy away from the 'sensitive' label, and that he'd rather be six foot tall than just five foot something. I expect he'd want pink skin not freckly white, and of course he'd choose mouse brown not orange hair, who wouldn't? But I love everything he is, and everything that's made him this way. And orange is my favourite colour.
As for 'sensitive' meaning 'weak'?' Well, I don't think there's a braver way to be than being the sort of person who notices things, and considers the way other people think and feel, and uses this to take on the world, in a single handed battle against all things taken to heart.
When you have to deal with abuse for your bright hair, or the worry that every girl you like tells you you're 'nice' but 'no thank you', you're supposed to get a thick skin. But if this doesn't work, and your skin stays thin, thin enough that it nearly bleeds? What then? Maybe it means your special, maybe it means your skin is so thin your heart's on open view. Girls aren't supposed to want nice guys? Well I do. I'm lucky I've found the nicest.
So surely everything should be in place for my happily ever after? That's how it feels when I look at it all logically. I have the perfect boyfriend, a wonderful daughter, a job for a company who never cease to impress me, and who seem to like me almost as much as I like them. But yeah, there's a 'but...' Of course there is. But... But for once I want to forget that unhappy 'but' I just want to 'think chipper thoughts' as Steve would say.
We had a silly messenger conversation last night, Steve's in Barcelona now until Sunday. He sent me some funny photos of his hotel room*2, with stripy zebra bedding. And I told him about a long 'shortlist' I'd made, of music*3 I decided to share with him.*4 And from talking about this 'shortlist' we soon 'laugh out louded' ourselves into making shortbread together soon.
This morning I started my day with Steve's traditional 'late night long email' about Barcelona thunder*5 and a spaghetti meal for a fiver in a spanish cafe with formica tables*6.
And I love him. More than anyone could know. And I love that he would say, "I know you’re sad but I just love you."
He's back on Sunday and I feel the same way that he describes, stuff about hearts stretched from London to Spain.... And I agree with his remark, "for me it’s the basic ‘missing you’ stuff. I never get used to it. It’s got a point where it feels unnatural to be away from you now, like it’s not fair."*7
He always signs ':o) Love, Steve'. And I always sign ':-) Love, Jo'. The important thing is the smile. We can do that, through partings, through any sad stuff, I know the thought of him will always be my best hope of a smile, and perhaps one day a happily ever after.
Yes.
Love,
:-)
*1 A blog that was nearly called 'Not sure about fairy tales'
*2 On one photo there was a picture of his laptop, so I got a preview of his half written blog post.
*3 Steve's colleague Ed told him about http://allofmp3.com. An amazing Russian site where if you turn a blind eye to the ethics and legality of it all, you can download any song you can think of for just $0.10. And as Ed told Steve, 'It's KGB approved!'
*4 We've avoided sharing our music until now, even though we've been together 5 months. Now we're dealing with the music issue, so the last 'too shy to share' secret will now be Steve's salary. As it's the only thing he keeps from me, I know it must be really bad! :-P
*5 "The rain was that really heavy stuff - the type that drenches you in seconds. And the ligthning was good too. The whole sky went white."
*6 "Not sure about the spainish pop music... It was one of those places with formica tables, wooden chairs, fruit machines and old men with stubble smoking Pall Mall cigarettes down to their fingers."
*7 Yes, it probably is wrong using his emails in blog posts, he doesn't read this, but if he did I'd tell him that I used his words because I want to remember them forever. This them public, but it also feels like it makes them permanent. I think maybe this blog will be my fairy tale book, and one day I'll write of my happily ever after. And then, 'The End.'
posted by Jo at 8:37 PM
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