Badly drawn monkey mug, Tooting Bec platform poster

I was wondering whether the Queen has matching mugs, and tries too hard with her childminder..?

I think anyone can judge their place in the world by the mugs in their kitchen cupboards. I blame the Queen.

I'd imagine the Queen has the best mugs the royal millions can buy. These might be solid gold mugs, with intricate designs in mother of pearl inlay - or they might be if coffee didn't taste better in china. I don't know exactly what the Queen's coffee mugs might look like. I just know they'd be classy coffee cups. Well, the Queen is a classy lady.

You can't judge people by the coffee they put in their coffee mugs. Coffee has too many variables, it's not just personal preference, for example time pressures might force you to drink good-quality instant when you'd rather use the coffee machine. And you can't judge people by the coffee making method they use either. People are often given coffee machines as gifts; you can't tell whether a coffee machine was bought by choice, or is a gift that's only called upon when needed to impress guests.

Of course many people don't like coffee and prefer tea. That's OK. Tea can be drunk in mugs too. Mugs still matter. Mugs are still key. Neither the drink you choose, or your coffee making facilities really matter, but your mug collection is a window to your soul.

I have friends from many kinds of backgrounds, and various mugs fill their kitchen cupboards. Some friends I class as 'Happy-Family friends'. Happy-Family friends all live in nice houses with their nice kids, they come home from their nice jobs and cook nice food, whilst they look out of their windows at their nice pets in their nice gardens. Without looking inside their kitchen cupboards I know exactly what their mugs are like. They have matching mugs, tasteful, practical, understated mugs, probably bought from John Lewis or Habitat. These mugs complete their pretty picture of happy family life; they drink good coffee, chat to the kids, stir the risotto, while the wife picks herbs or tidies weeds, and their contended cat lies on the grass in the sun.

I blame the Queen. As Head of State she sets standards to which we must all aspire. She has a fantastic house, a well brought up family, a good job... My Happy-Family friends all try to copy her. Buckingham Palace is smart and tidy with quality nick-nacks and impressive art, and of course there are plenty of servants to keep it ship-shape. My friends houses aren't so grand, but they try their best. They have thoughtfully chosen ornaments, and interesting art, and a cleaner once a week to dust and hoover.

The Queen has grown up kids now, but the pressures of her job meant she couldn't be a full time Mum when they were younger. So the little princes and princesses nannies would take them on picnics or to riding lessons. My Happy-Family friends have childminders who've been persuaded to take their charges to dance classes, or playgrounds after school.

My Happy-Family friends sometimes invite their childminders to their homes, and offer them coffee in the matching mugs.

The Queen would drink tea with her nannies too. It's part of the deal.

You present your mugs to others, hoping they'll like them, hoping they'll like you. Then you chat about the garden or the ornaments, art, cleaners, kids or pets. You drink from the matching mugs, knowing nothing else matches; but you don't care. Your childminder doesn't like your mugs. You don't like hers. You offer a mug to them, to feel better about leaving the house and earning money, coming home with shopping, to cook nice food, to drink good coffee, in these, your mugs. Then you washup, and put the mugs back in the cupboard.