Happy New Year?

If you get pregnant and have an IUD in place you're a freak. You ask the doctor questions and they say, 'I don't know, I haven't seen this before.'

There was a moment that I almost enjoyed, where the doctor looked shamefaced, and kind of apologised on behalf of the medical profession. She was sympathetic and said, 'An unexpected pregnancy is extra hard if you did nothing wrong.' Then she said, 'No form of contraceptive is 100%. We doctors forget that sometimes, we never warn people.'

Then she removed my IUD, and she told me I was likely to miscarry. She knew that much.

She also wanted me to have a scan at the Early Pregnancy Clinic to see if it was an Ectopic Pregnancy. That's a pregnancy in a 'tube' not the womb. If an IUD is stopping eggs settling in the womb, there's a danger the pregnancy could be in the wrong place. Apparently that could be life threatening. But I wasn't scared, I felt healthy-pregnant. I felt just fine. Just very pregnant. And very confused.

I found it amusing that all the doctors carefully called it 'a pregnancy' not 'a baby'. They were understanding about the big decision we faced. Abortion was the obvious choice for an early, unplanned, pregnancy.

Steve and I also assumed abortion was the answer, second-guessing each other into thinking this was what we each wanted. It was the sensible thing to do.

In Steve's red car, outside my Tooting Bec house, the idea that we could keep the baby was discussed...

Every inch of my body 'felt' pregnant. Denying that 'life inside' feeling to choose abortion took a lot of strength. I didn't expect it to feel so hard. I tried not to let my mind run away with the idea that getting rid of the 'pregnancy' felt a bit like bashing all the magic out of my body. It was the sensible thing to do. There's a time and a place for 'silly' and emotional, and romantic... And this wasn't it.

I'm in no way anti-abortion. I had no idea I'd find the idea of it so difficult. Pregnancy termination is very easily done at this stage, just a few pills and then a heavy period. I felt like I should do it, but... but... Magic, is magic! And I knew I'd cry for days if I did it.

That didn't mean I'd decided!

Why does 'sensible' seem to equal 'grim'?

And, while I'm at it...

This isn't fair!

Why me?

And, why did I keep smiling when I thought of a baby..?

And... Must Be Sensible!

The Early Pregnancy Centre test was just fine. I saw my 'pregnancy' on a screen. Just a little circle, a tiny egg. 5 weeks old.

I left Steve outside the treatment room. That felt a little cruel, I knew he wanted to be a part of this, wanted to help... I didn't want him to see that little egg. Even though it wasn't much, it was our baby. The doctor said that egg was in the right place. It was 'a normal pregnancy'. It was just a tiny dot, and I knew that with a pill or two it could be gone. That was still an option.

Then it seemed I might not need the pills...

Maybe it was because I'd had the IUD in place for 6 years? Maybe it was removing the IUD while I was pregnant? Maybe it was just one of those things? I started bleeding. Hardly any blood, but blood just the same. Spots of dark brown. And my tummy hurt too. I spent a few days bleeding, with my tummy feeling like it was churning around like a washing machine on a slow spin. It was uncomfortable, and worrying. I told myself a miscarriage would be a good thing...

It didn't feel like a good thing.

It made us both realise we wanted that baby.

If there could be a baby...

And while we're on the subject of 'sensible.'

Steve doesn't live with me. The idea of him moving in is completely terrifying.

We've been together just 10 months. I've spent many of those months threatening to dump him.

I'm happy with Amy, I'd decided I didn't really want more children.

And while we're on the subject of 'silly'...?

We want a baby. We want to be some magical couple with our happy baby story. We're in love. We're as much in love as can be. I want Steve's baby!

And the washing machine churn, and spots of blood have gone away for now. And I hope we'll have our magic, miracle baby and live happily ever after.

There's just one thing Steve and I can't agree on. I want this baby to have ginger hair... Steve doesn't.