The crazed and naive...
I'd hoped to play poker tonight, a satellite at the Gutshot card club. I find myself feeling friendly towards everything Gutshot these days, boyfriend Steve, works there and it's clear how much he cares about this company. He works too hard, wants to do well. I see that he feels just as proud and keen about everything Gutshot as I do about my company PokerStars. There's been quite a turnaround for both of us, Steve started out feeling a little negatively about PokerStars, I had my doubts about Gutshot. Now he's a comitted PokerStars fan, and I feel nothing but goodwill for all things Gutshot. Of course our companies are rivals in many ways, but we don't need to consider this bigger picture, we're simply happy to learn the names of each other's colleagues, and share minor office gossip. If our companies are at war we're soldiers who met in no mans land to share smokes and family photos! Not that it would be much of a battle - PokerStars is a big fish, Gutshot smallfry. And I always find myself rooting for the underdog, so yes, I like Gutshot...
I couldn't play tonight because au pair Tash was back late and couldn't babysit. Of course I miss my poker fix, but I know that Steve's working there tonight, and at the moment I look for every excuse to see him. I saw him just last night and there are always many long emails between our meetings, but nothing beats seeing him for real, and holding his hand, and kissing him too.
West Ham are on TV, so at least I can watch my team instead of playing poker. Steve always puts a bet on West Ham, it's a 'karma' thing apparently. There's a romantic magic for him in this. I don't get that magic, but I like the idea that he risks a silly £3 or £4 with thoughts of me.
He doesn't believe in the same kind of magic as me (well, who does?) but I like that he goodnaturedly respects all magical silliness.
I've had such a happy, love-struck day today, and I got to thinking about the thing that bothers me most about our relationship. The only thing really, but it does feel like a big thing. He's 29 I'm 36. It's not so much the years difference in our age that bothers me, that he'll be 33 when I'm 40. It's more that I feel I have different experiences, expectations, responsibilities. I have a daughter, yet he doesn't know kids. He hasn't met Amy, that whole thing's scary for both of us... And I wasn't really considering dealing with baby stuff ever again, and of course we're not at the 'considering babies' stage yet! But I'm aware that if we get there I won't have long to make a big decision.
So I enjoy my relationship with Steve right now without ever letting myself consider that it's more than just a 'fling'. I'm completely crazy about him of course, but I always try to see it from the outside. I've been in love before and it's ended, sometimes suddenly. I've done the 'dreaming of a happily ever after future' thing many times too, but it hasn't happened yet... So this time I'm not letting myself get carried away. Perhaps I've learned my lesson? I see the looks in my friend's eyes when I talk about him, I tell them how he's wonderful, but they're barely paying attention! I hope they'll make more effort when I've a broken heart or heartbreakers's guilt to deal with. They think they don't need to remember his name, he's just my 29 year old toy boy, it can't last long.
I see their point of view, it's unlikely enough that two people can live happily ever after together in the best of circumstances; but a 36 year old single mum and a 29 year old workaholic? It would take a miracle for any happily ever after magic to work with all we have to deal with; someone else's kid, an age difference, late night poker hours for him, 5am rises for me, he doesn't drink, and I *ahem* do! But most importantly how do we get past the lovestruck, foolish, blindness we have towards all these many problems?
Then today I remembered seeing a wriggling snake being carried down Tooting Bec Road. I thought about how happy it had made me feel to find a snake sticker in my bag, to stick this on a tube poster on the way to my date with Steve. I find myself seeing magic everywhere, in the most unlikely of places. So why can't I find magic in my unlikely relationship with Steve? Why can't my friends get to know his name and realise that I'm as crazy about him as I am about Tooting Bec tube station. I think maybe love works best for the crazed and naive.
I couldn't play tonight because au pair Tash was back late and couldn't babysit. Of course I miss my poker fix, but I know that Steve's working there tonight, and at the moment I look for every excuse to see him. I saw him just last night and there are always many long emails between our meetings, but nothing beats seeing him for real, and holding his hand, and kissing him too.
West Ham are on TV, so at least I can watch my team instead of playing poker. Steve always puts a bet on West Ham, it's a 'karma' thing apparently. There's a romantic magic for him in this. I don't get that magic, but I like the idea that he risks a silly £3 or £4 with thoughts of me.
He doesn't believe in the same kind of magic as me (well, who does?) but I like that he goodnaturedly respects all magical silliness.
I've had such a happy, love-struck day today, and I got to thinking about the thing that bothers me most about our relationship. The only thing really, but it does feel like a big thing. He's 29 I'm 36. It's not so much the years difference in our age that bothers me, that he'll be 33 when I'm 40. It's more that I feel I have different experiences, expectations, responsibilities. I have a daughter, yet he doesn't know kids. He hasn't met Amy, that whole thing's scary for both of us... And I wasn't really considering dealing with baby stuff ever again, and of course we're not at the 'considering babies' stage yet! But I'm aware that if we get there I won't have long to make a big decision.
So I enjoy my relationship with Steve right now without ever letting myself consider that it's more than just a 'fling'. I'm completely crazy about him of course, but I always try to see it from the outside. I've been in love before and it's ended, sometimes suddenly. I've done the 'dreaming of a happily ever after future' thing many times too, but it hasn't happened yet... So this time I'm not letting myself get carried away. Perhaps I've learned my lesson? I see the looks in my friend's eyes when I talk about him, I tell them how he's wonderful, but they're barely paying attention! I hope they'll make more effort when I've a broken heart or heartbreakers's guilt to deal with. They think they don't need to remember his name, he's just my 29 year old toy boy, it can't last long.
I see their point of view, it's unlikely enough that two people can live happily ever after together in the best of circumstances; but a 36 year old single mum and a 29 year old workaholic? It would take a miracle for any happily ever after magic to work with all we have to deal with; someone else's kid, an age difference, late night poker hours for him, 5am rises for me, he doesn't drink, and I *ahem* do! But most importantly how do we get past the lovestruck, foolish, blindness we have towards all these many problems?
Then today I remembered seeing a wriggling snake being carried down Tooting Bec Road. I thought about how happy it had made me feel to find a snake sticker in my bag, to stick this on a tube poster on the way to my date with Steve. I find myself seeing magic everywhere, in the most unlikely of places. So why can't I find magic in my unlikely relationship with Steve? Why can't my friends get to know his name and realise that I'm as crazy about him as I am about Tooting Bec tube station. I think maybe love works best for the crazed and naive.
posted by Jo at 5:45 PM
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